The rain begins to slow. I count my blessings having been able to find a brief reprieve for the deluge. Dry and cool, this should be a good place to call home for the night. The space is unlike any cave I’ve found in the past. There is no sign of vegetation or other life. I can discern from the dim moonlight shinning in that the walls are a uniform white with squares of reflective glass. There is a large machine with wheels, the shape is vaguely familiar from stories I’ve heard the elders tell. There are many other pieces of metal along the side of the cave, some with numbers printed on the sides. 15, 25, 45… what could this mean? This place is strange, tomorrow I will try and venture home. For now, it’s best to take advantage of this serendipity and get some rest.
I’m jolted awake from a sudden change in air pressure. A split second later the entirety of the cave is illuminated brighter than the midday fields. A giant figure crosses the opened threshold, descending a small staircase. Stay calm, don’t move. I’ve survived other threats so this one should be no different. This creature was different. It was hairless save a small section on the top of its head. It traversed on two legs, something extremely rare. No worries, everything is fine it will all- Suddenly the creature begins to make a noise like that of a bird’s whistle. What sort of creature makes noise? Does it want to give away it’s location to predators? Unless…
Immediately I perk up. What if this this IS the predator. I start to scan the layout now that the area is filled with light. Shit! I had fallen asleep in the middle of the cave! With how barren the flora is in here I’m basically a sitting duck. If I stay perfectly still it may not notice me… then when its back is turned, I can make a run for some better hiding spots. It crosses in front of me to the corner of the cave, unaware of my presence.
A few minutes pass. While frozen I’m able to study this creature more. It appears to be using those strange shapes with numbers on them. It picks them up, moves its arms, then puts them down and repeats. Is it burning calories for sport? Every creature I’ve ever seen or heard of is constantly preserving any energy it can. What on earth could this be? Things just aren’t adding up. Making noise on purpose, two legs, and now burning energy for fun? I will have so many questions for the elders when I return home.
The creature then reaches into a satchel on its thigh. It looks as if they carry their things with them in their legs. It pulls out a black rectangle and starts poking it with its fingers. My vision suddenly cuts out and I go deaf.
Moments later I regain my senses, I felt like I was hit by a flashbang. The ringing in my ears is now replaced by a loud rhythmic thumping. The creature begins to dance between lifting the objects. Ok, I can’t waste any more time. I have to get out of here FAST. Who knows what could be next? Its back is turned. I make a quick dash for a wall. Almost instantaneously it turns and locks his eye right in my direction. Jesus, I’ve never encountered anything with such sensitive peripheral vision. Too late I must stay still. I pray my dash was poorly timed and it turning around was simply coincidence. I have to pray that’s what happened. Otherwise, this acts with a near robotic reflex and I’m as good as dead. It pokes the black square and this ambient sound softens. Then following the pattern of odd behavior, it begins to move, this time hugging the wall. All the while keeping its torso facing in what appears to be, my direction. Then it quickly slips through the opening it originally came from.
I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe the creature is gone. I can finally focus on getting out of here. Before I’m able to decide on a path, I feel the air change as the door swing open again. It has a large cylinder in its hand. This time is different from the first, it’s coming right for me. Again, I freeze in hopes it will walk past and not notice. It stops. It is inches away. The head lowers, it is looking right at me. The cylinder raises Oh fuuuu—- PSHHHHHHHHHHHH
Chaos would be too simple a word. Some sort of aerosol chemical hit my exoskeleton. Almost instinctually I start sprinting in every which direction. It doesn’t stop. The chemical keeps coming. I’m fast, millions of years of evolution has made my agility unmatched. I start to make a run for it, and the creature backs off. Thank god, he doesn’t think I’m worth the chase. Holy shit that was close. I’m lucky I only got a few drops of that chemical on me. Its eyes are still locked on me like a hawk. A searing pain courses through my body. My left leg locks up. It’s ok, I have 5 more… Another leg locks up. Then my vision starts to blur. I counted 3 drops; what kind of venom can do so much damage with 3 drops?? I have trouble breathing. 50% of the moisture in my body has disappeared over the course of 6 seconds. Another leg. Another leg. I put in one last push to try and gain some distance, but I begin to tip. My legs are rock solid and I’m not full capsized onto my back. My vision spins.
The creature stands back up and smiles. Am I in a fever dream? What is this THING?? It pulls out the black rectangle one last time. As my vision slowly fades to black my ears are again assaulted by an ever increase bassline, slowly blowing out my ear drums.
I like to move it move it
I like to move it move it
I like to … MOVE IT
What the fuck…
And that is the story I made up in my head after killing a roach in my home gym the other night. It was pretty funny (morbid I know) imagining the last few moments the roach had from his perspective. Somehow finds himself in a garage with the planet’s apex predator. Get’s sprayed with a hint of boric acid. This chemical is crazy. It’s sort of like salt in that it absorbs moisture. Well, insects are akin to all other earth life in that they are mostly water. But boric acid is so powerful LITERALLY a couple drops are enough to suck the moisture out of a roach in SECONDS to kill it. It was also quite funny realizing I had done all this while blasting EDM music since that’s what I work out to. So, imagine one second you’re living life like normal in what you think is a cave. Then in the span of ~2 minutes you encounter the most advanced apex predator of your plant, it sprays you with a chemical designed to dehydrate you near instantly from the inside out, and all the while upbeat electronic dance music is blasting your roach eardrums out. I couldn’t help but imagine the roach thinking like “what the fuck is even happening right now, this is so bizarre it has to be a dream”
Thanks for reading!
